I wrote this as a comment to melusinahp's post responding to heatherly's Responsiable Fan Fiction.  I have to stop thinking/writing about this stuff and start writing fiction again.  I've getting obsessive.

Because my sexuality scares the hell out of me, the Strikethrough has resulted in a great deal of emotional turmoil and caused me to question why I write what I write, if I have the right and if fantasizing and writing about things like incest and rape  contributes to their occurrence in real life problems or places me in the same class as people who commit these acts. 

While I stood strong during the actual Strikethrough, about the time Livejournal issued it's apology I fell to pieces under my doubts.  In an effort  to reassure myself that I was a good person and not a pervert by I found myself apologizing all over the place for writing about rape and incest, trying to justify myself by deluging up my own history of abuse, denying my stories were primarily sexual in nature, and donating more money than I could spare to RAINN via fandom_gives  to prove I really don’t like rape and incest (Don't get me wrong here, I do support RAINN and I think fandom_gives is a great idea, it's my motives that are off).

( click here to see example of me freaking out. WARNING- contains description of abuse that may be triggering/upsetting. )

 

However after a few days reflection I’ve come to the conclusion that the question of responsibility in fan fiction comes up primarily because so many fan fiction writers are women and as such we are used to being held responsible for how others react to her sexuality. I was walking down the street a few days ago and a man made some obscene comments to me. I immediately found myself wondering what I had done to catch his attention. Was it because I was wearing make-up? Was I unconsciously radiating some sort of “fuck me” vibe that caused him to say this?

Intellectually, I realize I was doing nothing wrong and that he was the asshole but I’ve been programmed a certain way and it’s hard to overcome that programming.

I’m a writer and as such, my primary responsibility is to be truthful about my experiences and emotions even if this means acknowledging my own contradictions. I find reading and writing stories containing elements of abuse erotic even though (or maybe because) I’ve been the victim of abuse myself. At the same time I am frightened by the fact that I find these things arousing and I hate the idea of anyone going through them. To write truthfully I have to acknowledge and explore both these responses. If I do this, I’m doing my job as a writer.

This is a fan fiction meme taken from lilian_cho’s journal. 

I thought I'd give the status of all my open claims at the moment as a sort of year end round-up.

For my 100_women challenge (any fandom so long as it featuers women characters) I have written 24/100 stories.  My progress chart is located here.

For my Fruits Basket claim at 15pairings I'm written 2/15 stories.  Progress chart is located here. 

I am writing "Poisonous Nurture", a collection of stories focusing on Seguchi Tohma from Gravitation using songs from the Hole album Live Through This for ficalbum.  I have completed 2/12 stories.  Progress chart is here. 

I have an open claim on Sumeragi Subaru from Tokyo Babylon and X/1999 at everyfiveyears.

Also on New Years Eve I will be participating in auld_lang_snape where the challenge is to write 13 drabbles (85-300 words) set in the Harry Potter universe in three hours. 

Author: Bitterfig

Title: The Banquet

Fandom: Fruits Basket

Characters: Honda Tohru, Souma Yuki, Souma Kyou, Souma Haru, Souma Akito, Souma Shigure, Souma Hatori

Summary: In the days before a banquet in celebration of Akito’s birthday that will bring together all the juunishi, Yuki becomes ill.  In explaining Yuki’s illness to Tohru and Kyou (who is barred from the banquet because he is not an official member of the Zodiac), Haru reveals a dark side of the Souma family.

Disclaimer:  I did not create these characters nor do they belong to me.  I do not profit from this in any way.

Word Count: 2234

Rating: Mature, NC-17

Warnings: This is a very dark story that depicts the abuse and humiliation of a child.  It includes depiction of execratory bodily functions and menstruation.

Author’s Note: This is the kind of story I am compelled to write, then wonder why the hell I write about stuff like this.  Please be aware that I in no way intend to romanticize, glorify or eroticize child abuse.  I in no way condone it, yet I still find myself writing about it. 

The Marriage of Murder and Suicide is a Post-war AU set three years after the events of HPB.  It was written for the lj community ficalbum as part of a series of Lupin/Snape fics based on the Leonard Cohen album I’m Your Man.

Summary: A year after Voldemort’s defeat Remus Lupin traces down Severus Snape who is a fugitive living in Paris.   Both men have been profoundly altered in body and mind by the war and its aftermath.  Lupin is dying, his life being choked away by a dark secret he can not and will not reveal.  Snape’s efforts to save Lupin’s life challenge all boundaries of morality.  Violation, forbidden magic, betrayal, murder, obsessive and redemptive love will all come into play before the truth is revealed. 

Beta Reader: Nzomniac

6 Chapters, a total of amost 9000 words. 

Rating:  PG-13 to NC-17

Warnings include sex, slash, a blood splattered Veela ritual, bad language (French and English), violence, character death, discussion of torture, bdsm, dub-con and a great deal of  angst . 

Chapter 1/6

Chapter 2/6

Chapter 3/6

Chapter 4/6

Chapter 5/6

Chapter 6/6

After all this is there anything more to say?  Of course I do.